Although I grew up watching Walt Disney’s “Wonderful World of Color” on Sunday nights and have amassed a huge collection of Disney comic books, it looked as if I would never darken the gates of Walt Disney World Resort.
But this year, wife Melissa employed “when you wish upon a star” pluck and masterfully put together a Florida vacation for us, including a one-day visit to the Magic Kingdom portion of the sprawling resort.
It was a “now or Neverland” situation, as son Gideon (age 11) will soon reach the age at which being seen in public with one’s parents would be so mortifying as to necessitate permanent residence in the Haunted Mansion.
The Magic Kingdom brings families together — but those long lines also bring a lot of hygienically challenged strangers together. Hey, it’s a small world after all — use some deodorant!
Walt died while the park was still in its planning stages, but brother Roy O. Disney dedicated “a magic kingdom where the young at heart of all ages can laugh and play and learn — together.” Alas, learning isn’t what it used to be. People used to figure out things like “There’s a New World between Europe and India” or “Microscopic organisms can cause disease.” All I learned was “There are a gazillion little girls who get less sick on Space Mountain than you do.”
To my surprise, Gideon (the social studies whiz and listener to Mark Levin’s radio show) didn’t want to visit the iconic Hall of Presidents. Perhaps it’s because of rumors that Disney’s Imagineers are no longer directing the actions of the animatronic chief executives. My first clue was the Hall of Pollsters going up next door.
Various signs around the park remind visitors and employees alike that “It All Started With A Mouse.” Yes, a slogan just a little cheerier than “It all started with an irregularly shaped mole.”
All the park employees were so doggone friendly. I wondered about the ones who have to wear those elaborate character costumes all day. I could imagine the accountants singing, “The wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are replaceable things!”
I know I’ll retain tunes from the park for the next several months, but they may evolve. Snow White’s “Whistle While You Work” will more likely become “Whistle while you take all those expensive souvenirs and mark them 25 cents for your garage sale.”
We did not get to go on the 7 Dwarfs Mine Car ride. I think they were having technical difficulties after discovering that one of the dwarfs was actually a moonlighting NBA star. (“But my parents are both dw—don’t bump your head, Dad…”)
The park is supposed to be about escapism, but it seems to me that going on the Pirates of the Salesbbean ride just reminds you that you’re spending like drunken sailors on the vacation.
I’m glad we saw Cinderella’s Castle, the late-night parade and the incredible fireworks display. But after totaling up our food bill, I wonder how come the Disney World commercials always approach someone after they’ve won a Super Bowl but BEFORE they go to the park? Maybe a more accurate ad would go something like, “You’ve done Disney. What are you going to do next?”
“I’m going to see if there’s a loophole in that contract selling my vital organs. Like this spleen.”
“Let it go!”
Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”. Danny’s’ weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.
