Bainbridge Youth Services recently asked for anonymous feedback from high school students for advice on how parents and guardians can support youth as they explore their sexual and gender identities. Thank you to the Bainbridge High School Sexual and Gender Acceptance Club (SAGA) for sharing these survey responses.

Q: What is/was your most hoped for response from your parents if/when you came/come out to them?

Honestly, just, like, being told: “OK, that’s cool and we accept you.”

For them to be casual and not make a big deal about it. I hoped my mom would’ve told me she loved me regardless.

Frankly, I wanted my parents to be rather indifferent. I didn’t want them to cheer for me or act like they would endlessly act as support. I just wanted them to recognize me coming out as learning more about me.

Them being supportive. Acceptance, and them not making a big deal of it.

I had hoped that they would tell me that they love me and who I love would never change that.

When I came out to my parent, I was hoping that they would tell me it was all right and that nothing was wrong with that and I was being me.

Acceptance and offering assistance/help.

I didn’t hope for anything from one of my parents. I knew from the start they wouldn’t accept me. My other parent … I was really scared of how they would react. I was hoping it would be positive since they were more open minded, but there was a chance that they would not react well. My most hoped-for response was for them to tell me that they still loved me and would still let me live with them.

Q: What do you advise parents/adults do or say to help a young person feel supported?

Empathize with them only after they’ve admitted distress. Until that point, just be friends. They’re not any different for being LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender/Transsexual plus.)

Ask questions about their new sexuality/gender and support them through different events or groups.

Knowing that your parents still love you and will respect and support you and don’t think you’re a mistake, I think, would make me feel really supported. “No matter who you love, or what gender you are, I will always love you.”

Telling their kids that they are there for them. To be open and to ask non-offensive questions, and to be, like, positive-ish.

Just say “OK.”

That they matter and are loved; that this doesn’t define them.

Make them feel accepted; tell them they are fine and that they are who they are. They are just trying to be themselves.

“Thank you so much for trusting me enough to tell me that. I’m so proud of you and your identity could never change the amount of love I have for you. What kind of support do you need? Is there anything I can do?”

Q: What is hurtful or not helpful? What should parents/adults avoid doing or saying?

Saying things such as “We’ll help you through this,” even if well-intended, can actually make it sound like being LGBTQ+ is a problem or a hindrance.

The words, “I still love you” or “I love you regardless,” implies that my sexual orientation is a flaw they are willing to look past (at least in my head). “If only I did —- differently” is beyond the most frustrating thing. Not only does blaming yourself invalidate them and make the situation about you when it should be about our child and their feelings, but it makes it seem like something that could have been prevented.

Calling it unnatural, strange or bad. Even unusual can be a no-no.

When parents overreact, positively or negatively, and to question their (the child’s) identity in an attempt to invalidate.

Don’t say that you already knew; don’t say you love them anyway; don’t try to tell them they’re wrong.

Saying anything is an accusing tone.

It’s hurtful to belittle or to assume you know what your child is. Asking questions with the assumption that nothing has changed during your time to our time can set you out as ignorant or against your child.

Editor’s note: “This I Know” is a Bainbridge Youth Services platform for youth voices. The monthly column showcases student viewpoints, most often through their own stories. BYS is a nonprofit that offers free, confidential mental health counseling, free tutoring and job services to youth 13 to 21 years old. Check out the BYS website at www.askbys.org.