I guess it was inevitable that the upcoming presidential election would be a rematch between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Trump continues to show surprisingly strong support from older evangelical Christians, which, as a lifelong Episcopalian, I do not understand. I’m no expert on Christianity, but my recollection is that the bedrock values of Christianity are kindness, compassion, generosity, forgiveness, short sermons and donuts with coffee hour.
Trump seems bereft of any such values, except perhaps for the donuts. I do wonder what a second Trump administration would look like. Based on the things he says at his rallies, I fear it would be a dark and foreboding time for many people. To hear him talk, the past four years have been a cesspool of misery and decline, and the future is a hellscape of lawlessness and ruin that only he can prevent.
In Biden’s favor, he is not Trump and has a D behind his name.
With those uncertainties in mind, many Americans are following the election news, reading up on the candidates, following polls and listening to political pundits pontificate as they predict the outcome. I’d be doing that myself, except I don’t need to. I have developed a sure-fire, infallible method of predicting the outcome. It does not involve polls, statistical analysis, exit interviews or historical data and trends. It works on a far more simple and direct principle, one that has stood the test of time by consistently producing accurate results. That system is something I call the Amazing Anagram Analyzer.
To use the Analyzer, you simply write down the names of two competing candidates and then rearrange the letters of each of their names name into as many different words as you can. The candidate whose name generates the more positive anagrams will win the election.
Ready to see the Analyzer in action? Here goes:
Rearranging the letters in Joe Biden you can spell Be Joined and I Need Job. Not too bad.
Do the same thing with the letters in Donald Trump’s name and you get Land Dump Rot, Land Turd Mop, Lard Dump Ton, Damn Turd Pol, Damp Old Runt, Damp Nut Lord, Dolt and Rump, Don Turd Lamp and Tan Dump Lord.
I rest my case – the Analyzer has spoken and Biden will win the election in a landslide.
Lest you have any doubts about the accuracy of the Analyzer, let me point out to you what the Analyzer said about some other presidential candidates.
Rearranging the letters in Newt Gingrich’s name produces Wring Inch Gent. Do the same for John McCain and you come up with Jam in Conch. Neither man was elected president.
Running Sarah Palin’s name through the Analyzer gives you Anal Parish, which results were enough to keep her out of the vice presidency (which doesn’t have anything to do with this column but it’s funny.) For Barack Obama, the Analyzer produced Maraca Kabob, which was good enough to get my vote in 2008 and 2012.
The letters in Mitt Romney’s name can be rearranged to spell Metro Minty and Not My Merit, a result that doomed his campaign for the presidency. (On a side note, you can also rearrange the letters in Romney’s name to spell I’m Tom Tyner, which certainly seems ominous and profound and is what has prevented me from throwing my hat into the presidential ring this year).
Hillary Clinton’s name through the Analyzer generated On Chilly Train, Lacy Rhino Lint, Tiny Nacho Rill, Archly Tin Lion, Tiny China Roll, and Chair Lint Only, the totality of which should have prepared us for her loss in 2016.
Incidentally, the only 2024 presidential candidate who scored lower on the Amazing Anagram Analyzer than Trump is Ron Desantis, whose name can be rearranged to spell A Rodent Sins, Strained Son, Innate Dross, Sinner Toads, Darn Nosiest and Rained Snots. If he’d just run his own name through the Analyzer earlier, Gov. Desantis could have saved himself a lot of money.
Checking with the Analyzer could have saved other candidates some time and money this year, too: Nikki Haley through the Analyzer resulted in I Heal Kinky, Vivek Ramaswamy in the Analyzer produced Mama Wear Skivvy, Chris Christie rearranged into Rich Ice Shorts and Hi Crisis Retch, and Mike Pence would have known his campaign was futile when the Analyzer came up with Pink Emcee for him. And the Analyzer’s Trendy Reef Knob is effectively a death knell for Robert F. Kennedy’s Quixotic campaign.
No need to thank me for all the extra time you’ll have in the coming year now that the outcome of the presidential election is no longer in doubt.
Tom Tyner of Bainbridge Island writes a weekly humor column for this newspaper.