And now its time to give thanks for the best American holiday of them all: Thanksgiving. Which could not conceivably come at a better time.
Eleven months into 2017, a four-day weekend devoted to food, family, friends, football and 40-foot tethered parade balloon floats might be the perfect remedy to the freaked out fracases currently overwhelming us. We are more divided than a litter of kittens scampering from an air horn.
No matter how grisly the events that consume us, the fourth Thursday of November acts as a salve washing over the land like a stick of room temperature butter on a pile of steaming mashed potatoes bigger than your head. Might have something to do with the therapeutic effect of pie.
To not give thanks is downright un-American and probably outlawed by the latest House tax reform bill, if anybody could be bothered to read the whole damn thing. So, let us dig deep to come up with a few of the details that make life worth living to this round-headed, political comic in these troubling times.
WE HERE AT DURSTCO ARE THANKFUL:
For Donald Trump because he truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
For Donald Trump putting America back to work. One attorney at a time.
For Donald Trump’s twitter fingers having a mind of their own. The mind of a 12-year spoiled rich brat.
For Donald Trump’s hair: a marvel of follicle engineering and undoubtedly inspirational to architectural students all over the world.
For Donald Trump who has proved to be not so much a loose cannon as a loose aircraft carrier in high seas.
For Donald Trump for pledging to wait for Obama Care to fail because that’s what you want from a president, the willingness to let constituents die to prove a point.
For Donald Trump who calls his administration: “a finely tuned machine.” Sounds better than “out of control dumpster fire,” but might be a tad less accurate.
For Donald Trump who keeps issuing executive orders to keep violent extremists from entering the country, but has no problem filling his cabinet with them.
For Donald Trump who says he knows stuff nobody else does. Can’t imagine what that might be, but pretty sure we can rule out anything algebraically based.
For Donald Trump who is either crazy or crazy like a fox but the adjective remains intact.
For Donald Trump who is not a “spoonful of sugar” kind of guy. More of the “wave a sledgehammer to push in a thumb tack” sort.
For Donald Trump’s ability to unite foreign countries; against the U.S. perhaps, but allied, nonetheless.
For Donald Trump’s inability to apologize about anything: because once he got started, he wouldn’t be able to get anything else done.
For Donald Trump’s policy of waging war on multiple fronts: including attacking his opposition, his enemies, his allies, his staff, his cabinet, his party and his family. Everybody, except Vladimir Putin.
And finally, we should be thankful our ancestors back in 1621 feasted on turkey and not squirrel, weasel, possum or raccoon. A fact you can rest assured, Donald Trump, sooner or later, will take credit.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. And don’t worry about any of that silly tryptophan poisoning propaganda because we have discovered the perfect antidote… more pie.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.