We must all do our part
Published 11:00 am Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Sometimes, the healthiest laughs come with a look in the mirror.
So among the many, many brilliant letters and columns submitted by Review readers over the years, we’ve kept one particular 1992 guest commentary by Dave Thompson on the office wall. While it was written during a period of hand-wringing over local tax issues, the column in a broader sense has always seemed to uniquely capture the charming duality – is it a beauty mark, or just a mole? – of our shared public life on Bainbridge Island.
So as we roundly debate everything from wetland protection to roadway speeds to downtown planning, we thought Dave’s observations might be worth sharing again. Whatever your political orientation might be, if you can’t find something of yourself in the words that follow, you’re not leaning close enough to the mirror.
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There is a surefire way to lower local taxes; make Bainbridge a less desirable place to live, thus lowering assessed property values. It will take some work on your part, but here’s how to get started:
Tell everyone how long you have lived here. Nobody who has lived here less than you can possibly know as much as you do. Newcomers’ opinions don’t count – what could they know of wells, septic tanks, property rights and locally elected government?
Vote against every bond issue or levy. The kids don’t need more room, extra programs or more after-school activities. There are plenty of parks already. This not only saves you money, but makes the island less desirable, so market prices will drop.
Complain loudly about taxes. Especially ones like the storm drain utility fee. Or the mitigation fees; even if you already live here, you might want to build a smaller house someday.
Point your finger a lot. Good targets are elected officials or school teachers. Make sure they know you are watching their every move, ready to criticize them. This will not improve their efficiency or morale, but it will give you something real to complain about when they avoid you.
Get involved constructively. Join an organization dedicated to micro-overseeing and second-guessing government decisions.
Threaten legal action. This always gets them.
Never give an inch. It is a sign of weakness. Even a 5-year-old knows that.
Find fault in every new idea. The old ways are best, and nothing new has ever been proven to work, especially here among unique islanders.
Write lots of indignant letters. To the editor. To your councilperson. To “their†president. The issue doesn’t matter, just the tone. Never, ever compliment anyone in writing.
Talk very loudly at meetings. Never listen to what people with other opinions are saying – just comment loudly to your cohorts when others are talking. Make sure everyone hears you, for your opinion is so much more important than other people’s. Never ask a question to get information; questions should only be used to trap the moderator or speaker.
Don’t support any local organization. Don’t give your time or money to these wastes, unless you get a tax receipt. Don’t volunteer for anything – not Helpline House, not the Bainbridge Foundation, not the Island Wildlife Shelter, not Bainbridge Youth Services. Do all your business by lowest bid, ignoring local companies if possible.
Make all visitors feel unwelcome. The Chilly Hilly, the Toe Jam races, Fourth of July, any place or time strangers come to the island. There’s nothing like hugging the right shoulder with your SUV during the Chilly Hilly to discourage those bikers from moving here.
Avoid humor at all costs. There is nothing funny about taxes, government or restrictive zoning that doesn’t let you do everything your grandfather did.
Find your own ways. Surely you have learned many ways to make life unpleasant for others. Use them to increase tension all over the island. Visitors can sense that tension and will stay away.
Remember, only you can make Bainbridge Island a less desirable place to live.
