Things we’ll miss by returning to normal

  • Saturday, May 8, 2021 1:30am
  • Opinion

It’s normal these days to applaud the return to normality. But I’m going to miss some of the abnormal stuff we’ve been doing during the pandemic. The Top 10 things I hate to lose:

10. Home Haircuts. For a year my wife Amy has been cutting my hair, but now that we’re both vaccinated she’s making unsubtle suggestions that it’s time for me to go back to Al, whose shop is a 30-minute round trip from our house. Al is a nice guy who keeps me waiting, talks too much and often nicks my ear. For this I pay $25 plus a $10 tip.

9. Quiet Ballgames. I loved last year’s fan-free games on TV. I could have done without the cardboard cutouts but nothing beats watching a TV game without incessant cutaways to rowdy fans with funny hats, silly signs and spilled beers.

8. No-Contact Takeout. Isn’t it amazing how quickly restaurateurs arranged hassle-free takeout when they had to? You order online, pay in advance, and pop your trunk for the food without saying a word. Why would we ever want to give that up?

7. Zooming. Sure, some business meetings work better when participants are all in the same room. But with Zoom, OMG, no commuting, no waiting, no schmoozing. And, no shoes? No problem.

6. Excuses. There will never be a better excuse than the pandemic. “Sorry, I can’t come over to see how well your herb garden is doing.” “No, I can’t go shopping for patio furniture.” “Alas, I can’t schedule that colonoscopy right now.” It’s not me, it’s the pandemic.

5. Sweatpants. The last time I bothered with zippered pants was March 6, 2020.

4. No traffic. If by chance you had to drive somewhere during sheltering, what a breeze it was. To my utter astonishment, a two-hour drive to San Francisco during the pandemic took … two hours.

3. Grazing. When you’re cloistered at home, three meals a day can easily become five or six. Nothing takes your mind off not having anything to do like a second lunch and a third Bloody Mary.

2. Amazon. The Bezos behemoth isn’t going away, but during the pandemic it was a lifeline to everything from electronics to groceries to overpriced toilet paper. How Amazon cajoled the Postal Service to deliver on Sunday, I’ll never know.

1. Masks. OK, masks are a nuisance and, for some, a political distraction. But like the Lone Ranger, many of us enjoyed hiding some emotion behind a mask. No smiles. No frowns. And, when my dentist told me I needed a new tooth I worried about having a gaping hole for a few weeks. “No one will ever know,” he said. “Just wear a mask.”

I hope whatever the next normal is like, it retains some of what we came to enjoy during the recent normal.

Peter Funt’s new book, “Self Amused,” will be published this summer. His columns are distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.

More in Opinion

Some dads try too hard to try to be as good as mom

My new supervisor anticipates being a first-time father in a few months.… Continue reading

Golfer getting the hook a hysterical overreaction

Try to hit a golf ball. Go ahead. It’s just sitting there,… Continue reading

We all have the right to know, not just journalists

Journalists of a certain age — those on the other side of… Continue reading

Texting replacing talking as preferred communication

According to a recent survey by OpenMarket, 75 percent of millennials chose… Continue reading

People leaving other countries not good for them or U.S.

Two and a half months have passed since President Biden designated Vice… Continue reading

Outdated wastewater facilities undermine water gains

We’ve seen real progress over the years in efforts to prevent human… Continue reading

Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes

Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes. I didn’t write that.… Continue reading

Now, finally, everyone knows COVID started in unsafe lab in China

It’s not really a surprise if you look at the facts

Be critical of those critical of critical race theory

Everyone’s complaining about Congress, but if you want to track the real,… Continue reading

Most Read