AskBYS: My 12-year-old daughter has started hanging out with a group of friends who don’t treat her very well. She’s come home in tears a few times, saying they’ve made fun of her or excluded her. I’ve tried to gently suggest she spend time with other kids, but she insists these are her friends and gets defensive if I bring it up.

Dear parent,

It’s understandable that you’re concerned about your 12-year-old daughter’s new group of friends and how they’re treating her. At this age, children are still navigating the complexities of friendships and often feel the pressure to fit in, even if it means tolerating behavior that isn’t healthy. Your daughter’s defensiveness likely stems from her desire to belong, and she may feel torn between wanting to stay in the group and being hurt by their actions.

The key is to create an open, non-judgmental space for her to share her experiences. Instead of directly suggesting she spend time with other kids, ask her what she enjoys about these friends and how she feels when they exclude her or make fun of her. This will help her reflect on the situation without feeling criticized or pressured.

It’s important to give her the opportunity to navigate these situations on her own. While you may be able to see things more quickly, this is a critical time for her to develop social skills and emotional resilience. If you step in too quickly, she may not learn how to advocate for herself or recognize unhealthy behavior in the future. Instead, guide her with open-ended questions that help her reflect on her feelings and values. For example, you could ask, “How does it feel when they treat you that way? What qualities do you look for in a friend?”

If she continues to come home upset, complaining about how her friends treat her, it’s important to listen with empathy and validate her feelings. Acknowledge her frustration and give her the space to express herself without immediately offering solutions. Ask her what she would like to do about it, which will empower her to think critically about her options. If she’s unsure, you can gently suggest actions like talking to her friends about how she feels or exploring the qualities she values in a friend to see if she can identify anyone with similar traits she could connect with. Reassure her that it’s okay to walk away from friendships that aren’t supportive.

It’s key to remember that your daughter is still learning how to handle social dynamics. While as parents we may be able to recognize issues sooner, this is a valuable learning process for her. Be patient and continue encouraging her to expand her social circle and explore friendships that are more supportive. If the situation doesn’t improve, you might consider speaking with a teacher or counselor for additional support.

Your daughter will benefit from these experiences, learning the importance of healthy friendships and how to navigate social challenges on her own.

If you have a question for our BYS therapists, submit it at askbys.org.

This columns was written by a group of therapists from Bainbridge Youth Services, which has a monthly column in this newspaper.