What can you say about the eavesdropper wannabes who sigh, “I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that conversation”?
Why is becoming a disease-spreading insect their “go to” position for spying? Why isn’t their first impulse to daydream about invisibility, superhuman hearing or a microphone hidden in a rhododendron arrangement? Do they crave a compound-eye view of their boss conversing with the company narc? Do they have a fetish for rubbing their legs together and dodging spider webs? I’ve heard of folks having daddy issues, but these sick puppies have Charlotte issues!
Another random thought: “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Is that decades-old chestnut (delivered by fed-up employers, angry ex-lovers and merciless loan officers) REALLY wittier than the more direct “Our business is concluded, so depart posthaste or I cannot guarantee your safe passage from this locality”? Is OSHA keeping tabs of office-door accidents? Is a priest on call to deliver last rites for splinter poisoning? Sounds like the authority figure is foolishly surrendering valuable leverage by raising the specter of liability issues. (“Too late! The door already hit me! And I scalded myself with the water from the Culligan cooler. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, and I’ll REMOVE the doors when I own the place.”)
Don’t you hate the Facebook users who go fishing for attention by throwing out some terse, cryptic blurb like “I can’t believe the nerve of some people”? I’d love to post, “I was going to give you a pair of jet skis; but obviously you’ve had a severe stroke that keeps you from even finishing a complete Facebook thought, so I found another home for them. Hey, I’ll bet I don’t get even ONE LIKE for this photo of your ex enjoying the jet skis.”
Speaking of exes, what about the passengers who go riding down the road on a summer day with one leg hanging out the window? I mean, some people are satisfied to make other INDIVIDUALS jealous, but these riders aspire to no greater heights than making their LEFT LEG jealous. (“Shucks! Wait until my eardrum finds out it missed out on a colonoscopy!”)
Sometimes I’m situated to accept gifts in the spirit in which they are given, and sometimes I’m not. Yeah, you’ve probably had friends and acquaintances load you down for a guilt trip with bountiful vegetables and “War and Peace”-length novels, just when you could least handle them. I wish it was just friends and acquaintances bugging me. I get stuff from MYTHICAL CHARACTERS. Until you’ve been inundated with zucchini by the Yeti, the Chupacabra and honest politicians, you haven’t really lived.
While vacationing, I saw one of those “Speed limit enforced by airplane” signs. Sorry, but that sort of stuff conjures Rocket J. Squirrel’s line “Again? But that trick never works.” Can you imagine the conversations in those planes? (“Uh, there wasn’t enough leg room, so I had to leave the speed gun back at the station.”) Recently declassified documents reveal that Amelia Earhart wasn’t trying to circumnavigate the globe on her ill-fated mission; she was in hot pursuit of the Duke boys!
I hope you’ve gotten a little something out of eavesdropping on this week’s rants. Hey! I know I have a superabundance of it, but stop landing on my potato salad!
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at firstname.lastname@example.org and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”