Do We Need More (Intentional) Comedians in Public Office? | Tyrades!

Do We Need More (Intentional) Comedians in Public Office? | Tyrades!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a polling place — and a comedian gets elected president!

As followers of international politics know, sitcom star Volodymyr Zelensky — a man with no experience in the military or government — won a landslide victory over Ukraine’s incumbent president (a politician with no apparent experience busting ghosts, crashing weddings or serving as a grizzled, by-the-book mentor to a free-spirited young partner).

Can you imagine what the past, present and future of OUR society would be like if more TV goofballs, movie misfits and stand-up comics ran for public office at the local, state and national level?

Combining comedy cliches, pop culture catch-phrases and insulated Hollywood culture, here are the sort of developments I suspect we would have seen:

– Goodbye, governors cutting the ribbon to inaugurate a massive project. Hello, governors smashing watermelons to inaugurate a massive project!

– “C’mon, numbskulls! Hoist me up so I can give those Mount Rushmore guys an eye poke!”

– Three words for improving relations with the United Nations? Instead of “Let’s work together,” how about “Well, excuuuuuuuse ME”?

– “You mean we really do need to upgrade our military arsenal? Can’t we just drop an F-bomb or 20 on all those &^%%$##@ foreigners who go spoiling for a fight?”

– “The Brits PAY hockey pucks like you and your family to hang around Buckingham Palace? What, did London Bridge fall down and give the voters permanent concussions?”

– “I’m overweight and balding. I’m a bum around the house. I’m incompetent as the town dog catcher. So, where’s my HOT WIFE?”

– “My solution for the Palestinian issue? We’re a-movin’ on up, to the West Bank…”

– “I’m pleased to say the warden has Old Sparky fully functional again. Now, who’s on first?”

– “But the committee chairman promised me it would be ‘a very special filibuster’!”

– “Quick! I can’t let my ex see me still without allies! Sign the back of this Whole Foods circular and pretend it’s a bilateral trade agreement!”

– From the man who brought you “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise,” it’s “The Cattle Hymn of the Republic.” (“Mine eyes have felt the stinging from the methane of the cows…”)

– “No, no — it’s not the town’s PENSION FUND that is coming completely unraveled. It’s the World’s Largest Ball of String! How I love the hijinks that ensue when someone hears half a conversation! Ooo…Clyde the street cleaner jumped to his death from how many stories up?”

– “What do you mean stunt doubles get overtime for facing subpoenas?”

– “After a strong start, ratings for the U.S. Constitution continue to decline. Quick! Give the Statue of Liberty a baby!”

– “I’m going to need my running mate to be my STRAIGHT MAN — not that there’s anything wrong with that!”

– “Will the sanitation department pick up your garbage, or won’t they? Will they, or won’t they? *Chuckle* This sexual tension could drag on for five years.”

– “This is your commander in chief, communicating with you from a secret underground bunker. So, what’s the deal with mushroom clouds, all of a sudden? A missile just flew in from Pyongyang, and boy are my arms glowing!”

*Sigh* You editors just had to have your full 600-word column, didn’t you? This is ANOTHER fine mess you’ve gotten us into!

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

More in Opinion

bw
What will we do without Trump to beat up?

Batman needed the Joker. Javert needed Jean Valjean. Patton needed Rommel. The… Continue reading

bw
Despite COVID, still best time ever to be alive

As challenging as 2020 has been, we still should be thankful that… Continue reading

Letter to the editor

Fund bicycle, pedestrian safety now To the editor: For several years as… Continue reading

Science Triumphant: Rise and fall and rise of Vivek Murthy

If anyone out there still thinks voting is a waste of time,… Continue reading

Diversified ranks haven’t always been that way

Diversity in the ranks has been the lifeline of our all-volunteer military,… Continue reading

Jeremy Fields
Shopping local more important than ever due to COVID

It’s no secret that COVID-19 has made a huge impact on how… Continue reading

Don Bonkers
Bonker: Kilmer to lead the way to bipartisanship

Winston Churchill was spot on when he said, “Democracy is the worst… Continue reading

Listen to each other – not media or pundits

Sure, we didn’t know who won right away, or the next day,… Continue reading

Coma looks like a good option in divided country

“It’s a miracle,” the doctor said. “You’ve just awakened from a coma… Continue reading

Looking back at another fight for civil rights

This fall marks the 50th anniversary of an event that sparked the… Continue reading

6 reasons to say goodbye to the Hunter fiasco

No matter what happens in this presidential election, it has been deeply… Continue reading