Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a polling place — and a comedian gets elected president!
As followers of international politics know, sitcom star Volodymyr Zelensky — a man with no experience in the military or government — won a landslide victory over Ukraine’s incumbent president (a politician with no apparent experience busting ghosts, crashing weddings or serving as a grizzled, by-the-book mentor to a free-spirited young partner).
Can you imagine what the past, present and future of OUR society would be like if more TV goofballs, movie misfits and stand-up comics ran for public office at the local, state and national level?
Combining comedy cliches, pop culture catch-phrases and insulated Hollywood culture, here are the sort of developments I suspect we would have seen:
– Goodbye, governors cutting the ribbon to inaugurate a massive project. Hello, governors smashing watermelons to inaugurate a massive project!
– “C’mon, numbskulls! Hoist me up so I can give those Mount Rushmore guys an eye poke!”
– Three words for improving relations with the United Nations? Instead of “Let’s work together,” how about “Well, excuuuuuuuse ME”?
– “You mean we really do need to upgrade our military arsenal? Can’t we just drop an F-bomb or 20 on all those &^%%$##@ foreigners who go spoiling for a fight?”
– “The Brits PAY hockey pucks like you and your family to hang around Buckingham Palace? What, did London Bridge fall down and give the voters permanent concussions?”
– “I’m overweight and balding. I’m a bum around the house. I’m incompetent as the town dog catcher. So, where’s my HOT WIFE?”
– “My solution for the Palestinian issue? We’re a-movin’ on up, to the West Bank…”
– “I’m pleased to say the warden has Old Sparky fully functional again. Now, who’s on first?”
– “But the committee chairman promised me it would be ‘a very special filibuster’!”
– “Quick! I can’t let my ex see me still without allies! Sign the back of this Whole Foods circular and pretend it’s a bilateral trade agreement!”
– From the man who brought you “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise,” it’s “The Cattle Hymn of the Republic.” (“Mine eyes have felt the stinging from the methane of the cows…”)
– “No, no — it’s not the town’s PENSION FUND that is coming completely unraveled. It’s the World’s Largest Ball of String! How I love the hijinks that ensue when someone hears half a conversation! Ooo…Clyde the street cleaner jumped to his death from how many stories up?”
– “What do you mean stunt doubles get overtime for facing subpoenas?”
– “After a strong start, ratings for the U.S. Constitution continue to decline. Quick! Give the Statue of Liberty a baby!”
– “I’m going to need my running mate to be my STRAIGHT MAN — not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
– “Will the sanitation department pick up your garbage, or won’t they? Will they, or won’t they? *Chuckle* This sexual tension could drag on for five years.”
– “This is your commander in chief, communicating with you from a secret underground bunker. So, what’s the deal with mushroom clouds, all of a sudden? A missile just flew in from Pyongyang, and boy are my arms glowing!”
*Sigh* You editors just had to have your full 600-word column, didn’t you? This is ANOTHER fine mess you’ve gotten us into!
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at firstname.lastname@example.org and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”