I am old enough to know there is no Santa Claus, so I am writing to Jesus with my wish list. It’s only been 2017-8 years since Jesus was supposedly around, and the Church of Rome was supposedly founded by his acolytes and continued since that time, so that only about 96 generations have passed between then and now, with much history written and unwritten that suggests maybe there is some truth there. Also, I have had the good fortune of having met many people who profess to be followers of Jesus and they are really amazing people, feeding and clothing the poor, ministering to the sick, visiting the imprisoned, resisting war and struggling for peace, that I have decided having faith that Jesus will respond is a better bet than Santa.
So, here goes: Jesus all I want for Christmas is 1.6 TRILLION dollars.
That’s all. Nothing else. I can live with just the one gift, thanks.
I know, people will mock me, cause it’s not really one gift. After all a TRILLION is a thousand BILLION, and a billion is a thousand million, and a Million is a thousand thousand, so we are talking a big number. But still its only $1,000,000,000,000. Plus the .6 part, don’t forget that. I guess I can trust Jesus not to forget that. Everyone says you can trust Jesus.
Now, before you all get too worked up about this OUTRAGEOUS Christmas gift request, that it is contrary to the spirit of the season, which is about giving and not getting, let me be clear: I am going to GIVE IT ALL AWAY. I am going to give it to kids for school, and hospitals to pay nurses and doctors to take care of people, and for the VA to start actually caring for vets disabled by the permanent wars fought for nothing, and for homeless shelters, and food kitchens and affordable housing — I may end up a job creator. So, it’s not really my Christmas present after all. But still, it’s what I want. It’s all I want.
And to make it even better, I know where Jesus can get it! The USA already has 4,000 nuclear bombs and only needs about 1,000 to destroy the earth. But the USA is going to spend $1.6 Trillion on new nuclear bombs that are “smaller and more useable” (actually many will be “dial a dose” so they can be really BIG or somewhat smaller than Hiroshima). I just don’t see that money as well spent. I am betting Jesus agrees with me. So, Jesus, whaddya say? It is kind of like chasing the money changers out of the temple. “New and Improved Nuclear Bombs” ought to be as offensive to your father and the money changers — maybe even more so — after all the money changers were not threatening to destroy your father’s entire creation, but the nuke bombers are. Let’s chase those new fangled money changers out of your temple!
Let me use the magic word, Please Jesus, just this once, can I get the Christmas gift I truly desire? Thanks for considering this request. And, if I got it wrong, feel free to forward it to Santa, just saying….
Kary Love is a Michigan attorney who has defended nuclear resisters, including some desperado nuns, in court for decades and will on occasion use blunt force satire to make a point.