Can we possibly laugh about seasonal allergies?

  • Saturday, April 24, 2021 1:30am
  • Opinion

Tree huggers, are you contemplating a Zoom meeting with Mr. Elm instead?

Yes, this is dedicated to the millions of you who share my susceptibility to seasonal allergies.

(Seasonal allergies? Yes, “When is allergy season?” is a popular Google question. I don’t mean to be ungrateful for fleeting symptom interruptions around Christmas; but that question is as pollyannaish as asking “When is double-chin season?” or “When is robocall season?”)

Hopefully, this column will also have a little something for the lucky stiffs who AREN’T bothered by pollen. Perhaps you can pause your fairy-tale existence long enough to ponder it. Hmm…I hadn’t realized just how lucky we are that our fairy tales aren’t marred by allergies. (“Fee fie foe fum…I smell the …I smell the…actually, I can’t smell anything. By dose is all stobbed ub.”)

Although we adults whine about the “return” of allergy season, we’ve known forever that it’s part of earth’s life cycle. Our biology teachers taught us all about stamens and pistils — although, in retrospect, they should have been telling us more about CVS and Walgreens!

We’re resigned to the fact that pollen-based, bee-enabled plant reproduction is a necessary evil. It’s just that sometimes, when we want to enjoy the Great Outdoors without coughs and sneezes, we’d like to tell Mother Nature’s flora and fauna, “Get a room!” Too late – the dust mites and mold have already claimed all the indoor accommodations. (“Bermudagrass, did you not see the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, dude?”).

Yes, I googled “Do bees have allergies?” That search brought up astonishingly few results. I guess we just have to IMAGINE those rare worker bees sniffling and putting in for sick leave – and the queen responding with, “We are not amused. Off with their heads and thoraxes and abdomens!”

I did encounter lots of advice about surviving allergy season. After you’ve been outdoors, leave your shoes by the door, wash your face and hands and change clothes – or, better yet, take a full shower. And if you can stand the pet dander, maybe encourage your cat to lick off the top several layers of skin. (Admit it – you’ve never seen a skeleton using Flonase.)

Allergies like to add insult to injury. We are advised to pick out the medication that is right for US; but when your eyes are red and itchy, it’s difficult to decipher all the fine print about durations, side effects and whether your four-year-old will be operating heavy machinery.

It gets worse. We suffer with pollen during the growing season. Then we must deal with food allergies when consuming the finished product. I’m surprised Mother Nature hasn’t bankrolled the introduction of “new Charmin with poison ivy.”

Allergies present us with the double whammy of constant reminders AND unpleasant surprises. It’s bad enough to experience never-ending nasal drip or itchy skin, but phlegm and other allergy manifestations show up at the most inopportune times. (“I’m sorry, caller number 12, but our station call letters are, in fact, NOT ‘Akkk! Gulp! Haarrkk! Ptooey!’ Guess those backstage passes to the Rolling Stones concert are still up for grabs.”)

Oops. Out of space. Go on back to your medicine cabinets or your fairy tales, as the case may be.

“Not by the hair of …Hey! This new cologne is messing with my chinny chin chin! It burns! It burns!”

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

More in Opinion

Claim the right to dust off your gun

In the wake of recent mass shootings, President Biden managed to avoid… Continue reading

Biden was right on refugees; then he caved

The annual refugee resettlement kerfuffle is underway. As usual, on one side… Continue reading

Building bridges for kids to value wildlife

Children love learning, and it’s undeniable that great ideas and principles shared… Continue reading

How about celebrating history’s unsung mothers?

Since you asked, my niece Claire is expecting her first baby in… Continue reading

Sleaze ruling: No conflict of interest for Supreme Court

It’s hard these days to keep track of all the decrepitude in… Continue reading

Biden says he wants all of us working on Democracy

During his anything-but-typical address to a joint session of Congress, President Biden… Continue reading

King County needs to stop sewage spills

The Bainbridge Island North Kitsap Interfaith Council has learned from the Suquamish… Continue reading

Things we’ll miss by returning to normal

It’s normal these days to applaud the return to normality. But I’m… Continue reading

Salary Commission responds about raises

From the Salary Commission’s initial meeting until our final one, every effort… Continue reading

A hunger for normalcy

My recent trip to Florida was glorious for one simple reason: it… Continue reading

Protest or riot? It depends where you stand

When the Nazis wanted to march through Skokie, Ill., many of the… Continue reading

Don’t waste opportunity for police reform

With tthe conviction of former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin, America once… Continue reading