Are You Thankful for Any of These Things? | Danny Tyree

With festive turkey-based feasts fast approaching, and having just re-watched a classic Thanksgiving-themed Steve Martin video, I thought it appropriate that I share a few of the things for which I am thankful. I apologize if the list is too predictable and schmaltzy, but please bear with me.

I am thankful for the deer that frolic in my yard, for indoor plumbing, for pimento cheese, for CBD oil, for a loyal readership, for online treasure troves of long-ago photographs.

I am thankful that in this country a person – no matter his station in life — has the opportunity to pursue his wildest dreams, at least until he awakens to find that his friends have dipped his hand in a bucket of warm water.

I am thankful that the conscientious use of abbreviations, nicknames, acronyms, hand gestures and emojis has provided mankind enough spare time to conquer the common cold and land a human on Mars. Oh, wait…

I am thankful that today is the first day of the rest of your life, unless somebody knocked you into the middle of next week, which would make it the eighth (?) day of the rest of your life, unless they hit too hard and you’re, you know, DEAD. In that case, I am thankful I have a new suitcoat for the funeral.

I am thankful that the government hasn’t yet placed a microchip underneath my skin to keep track of my every movement, because that landline phone my mother got Dr. Rutledge to insert back in ’76 made wearing long sleeve shirts a pain in the keister.

I am thankful that I am wise enough to know to keep my friends close, my enemies closer, my cousin over on the sofa in the corner and that guy I kind of remember graduating with my brother somewhere in the nosebleed section of the auditorium.

I am thankful that “you can’t always get what you want,” because SOMEONE has to keep Amazon humble.

I am thankful that my white privilege means shopkeepers don’t profile me and watch warily as I search for 7-million SPF sunscreen.

I am thankful that the advertisers who announce “get a great meal and HAVE CHANGE LEFT from a five” apparently live in a delightful world where only leprechauns and unicorns must pay SALES TAX.

I am thankful that my sudden realizations involve thoughts like “Oh, I left the steam iron plugged in” instead of “Duh, I just realized that what I overheard the president say was probably significant to this investigation. Do over!”

I am thankful that I have never served SERIOUS jail time for strangling mental giants whose idea of holding up their end of the conversation is “Oh, did you? Is that right? Really? Can you beat that?”

I am thankful that “when one door closes, another opens,” because otherwise we would have a roomful of losers packed in like sardines.

I am thankful that “history is written by the winners,” because history written by those who received a PARTICIPATION RIBBON would be lame as heck.

I am thankful that only God can make a tree, because humans would be selling you an extended warranty on a sugar maple.

Finally, I am thankful that all those times I was dropped on my head as a child have not had the slightest long-term cognitive effects on me…

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

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