We need to get rid of feral pig problem chop-chop

Published 1:30 am Friday, April 22, 2022

Last year I read an article in Sports Illustrated that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. The article was about the rapid spread of most invasive species our country has ever known, a relentless, cold-blooded, highly adaptable killer that is running rough-shod over our panicked and terrified nation.

That’s right; America is evidently facing an unprecedented proliferation of destructive feral pigs.

Feral pigs have roamed North America for centuries. Christopher Columbus brought eight feral pigs with him to what is now Cuba on his second voyage in 1493. They were intended to be a mobile food source for his malnourished sailors. Forty-five years later, Hernando de Soto brought the heirs of some of those wild pigs to what is now Tampa Bay for the same reason. The pigs thrived in their new environment and largely dropped out of the news as quickly as they dropped onto hot barbecue grills. Until now.

In the past few years, feral pig populations in the United States have exploded. Even more alarming, the pigs are on the move, migrating north from Florida and Texas all the way to New England. Today, there are an estimated 6 million feral pigs living in the United States, many lacking basic healthcare or language skills.

What caused this Wild Pork Apocalypse? Feral Pig Experts (known as “FPE”s to their friends, who tend to keep upwind of them) blame well-intentioned sportsmen and women. It seems feral pigs are a popular game species for hunters, who release them in the open countryside and then hunt them for sport and meat. The problem is that the hunters don’t shoot all of the pigs they release, and wild pigs are wily and adaptable creatures who often escape their two-legged predators to seek greener pastures in which to indulge in their two primary activities: voracious eating and prolific reproduction.

FPE’s did not think the wild pigs would survive the colder temperatures of America’s northern states and Canada. However, the clever hogs surprised everyone by mating with local domestic pigs to create Canadian super-pigs capable of growing thick coats of fur and able to dig deep holes in the snow-covered ground to create warm and cozy pigaloos in which to ride out the cold winters.

Why this concern about feral pigs? Well, it turns out feral pigs do significant damage to the land on which they forage, estimated at up to $2.5 billion per year. Described by FPEs as “nature’s Roto-Tillers”, feral pigs don’t simply graze their habitat. They dig out plants by the roots, chewing up acres of crops in a single night. These insatiable and indiscriminate pigs eat virtually anything, including ground-nesting birds. They destroy pastures, tear out fencing and irrigations systems, pollute water supplies and spread disgusting diseases with their slovenly, piggish lifestyles.

While Americans are now finally waking up to his spiral-tailed porcine menace, other countries have already taken anti-pig defensive measures. Denmark has even built a pig-proof fence along its border with notoriously feral-pig friendly Germany.

In the United States, savvy entrepreneurs have promoted wild pig hunts from helicopters as both a sport and as a way to control the feral pig population. For a price, hunters are outfitted with night vision goggles, thermal-imaging scopes and assault rifles on private helicopters known as “pork choppers”. With that image in mind, it may not surprise you to learn that, of the 6 million wild pigs estimated to reside in the United States, fully half of them call Texas or Florida their home.

Of course, wild pigs who escape from the pork choppers tend to be more wary of humans and driven to escape even further into America’s heartland in search of less dangerous habitat, thus further expanding the range of this slippery white meat menace.

So keep an eye out for feral pigs lurking in your neighborhood. If you see one, under no circumstances should you give it a ride or take it home as a pet. America is counting on you to do your part in the coming Pig Wars.

Tom Tyner writes a weekly humor column for this newspaper.