Hey!!! Sorry. Just trying to rouse everyone from their tranquil basking in the afterglow of the most wonderful time of the year. You know, the one where the retail industry celebrates swimming in black ink while the rest of us pray the frigid temps delay the bills a mite longer.
During this post-sacred season of super sell-a-thons, many remember sharing our blessings with the less fortunate. But what about the more fortunate? For they truly are the forgotten men and women of the holidays. Fortunately, the Republican Congress took care of them with a huge Christmas gift tax reform.
So, to continue our representatives’ thoughtful good works, let us take a few brief belated moments to offer up our much anticipated wish list that endeavors to fill the gaps left by Santa’s sack and detail what folks should have found under their tree in a very special episode of Will Durst’s Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. With many items conveniently now on sale.
For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: A research sabbatical to Vostok Station in Antarctica.
For Melania Trump: A Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping her husband’s hand away every time they’re in public.
For Roy Moore: A return to the bench adjudicating the daily shenanigans at the Gadsden Mall food court.
For Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: One gift certificate for a surgical procedure to remove that unsightly lump of Freedom Caucus hampering his stride.
For Kim Jong Un: If Trump’s approval rating falls any further, a bunker near hell.
For Donald Trump: Noise canceling headphones so he can drown out the cacophony of negativity surrounding him.
For Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Charley Rose, Matt Lauer, Dustin Hoffman, Brett Ratner and Jeremy Piven: Lunch with Roman Polanski in Paris but no return ticket.
For CNN: More Russian investigation revelations. Either that or another summer of shark attacks. Or best of all… Russian sharks.
For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A stainless steel muzzle along with detailed instructions on how to self- install.
For Fox News: More Benghazi investigation revelations. Either that or another winter of the War on Christmas. Or best of all… Happy Holidays from Benghazi.
For Dennis Rodman: An all expenses paid trip to the Winter Olympics so he can take a side trip to North Korea to save the world.
For former Minnesota Senator Al Franken: A job opening at Saturday Night Live.
For Vladimir Putin: A year’s supply of treats for his lapdog.
For Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto: A tremendous wall to keep United States citizens from overrunning his country.
For Republican Congresspersons facing midterm elections: Retroactive Snapchat technology that allows any photo of them with President Donald Trump to instantly disappear.
For VP Mike Pence: A strobe light to use at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
For the CEO of Equifax: A new password that is not his wife’s birthday.
For Medical Science to study: Donald Trump’s brain. Sean Spicer’s mouth. Steve Bannon’s heart. And Chuck Schumer’s spine.
For Anthony Scaramucci: A big bag of coal.
For Colin Kaepernick: A job in the Canadian Football League.
For California Senator Dianne Feinstein: At least two more terms. Because you can’t have an effective government without one nonagenarian to remind us when history starts repeating itself.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.