It seems like decades since Barack Obama handed the keys to the country over to the House of Trump, but that was only at the end of January, barely three months ago. I can’t tell if it’s one of those “time flies when you’re having fun” deals or “it all happened so fast,” like during a car crash or being mugged. Or being mugged during a car crash.
President Trump has made a huge deal about not making a big thing of his first 100 days. He’s dismissed the whole event as a media creation and artificial benchmark, mainly because you could stuff the whole of his accomplishments in a shot glass and they would still rattle around like a golf ball in a railroad car.
He’s also contradicting his own campaign rhetoric from when he insisted it would be a yardstick of his awesome, incredible transitional prowess. Once again, covering his bases by bouncing across both sides of every issue like a hyperactive cricket on prom night.
Besides the folks forced to sign loyalty oaths, there are three camps in the whole “How Has He Done So Far?” debate. The group that claim he’s a disaster. The few that maintain he’s an incredible disaster and those who contend he’s not as big a disaster as expected.
But either way, the guy deserves kudos for making it to triple digits. So, let’s look at his report card for the first 100 days of term one. Because who knows if he or we will be around for the next 1,361.
– Mathematics. C-. Claimed to have more electoral votes than any president since Reagan. Which is only true if you don’t count George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. Outside of that, spot on.
– International Relations. C-. Problems differentiating between good guys and bad guys. Already picked fights with Great Britain, Canada, Mexico and Australia. In terms of diplomatic complexity, those aren’t the tough ones.
– African-American Studies. D-. Mocked Congressman John Lewis and thought that Frederick Douglas was still alive. Sad.
– Sex Education. B+. No discernible activity at all, which considering his track record, most folks appreciate.
– Health Studies. D-. “Who knew health care could be so complicated?” Um, everybody. Except you. Again.
– Environmental Studies. F. Invested in bringing back the coal industry. And VHS tapes. And sock garters and buggy whips and we’ll make lamps that burn whale blubber again.
– Social studies. C+. Heavy on the social. Light on the studies.
– Physical Education. A+. Getting plenty of exercise on the golf course.
– Dramatics. B-. Performances a bit over the top. As is the makeup.
– Penmanship. A. Signature looks very attractive on extensive series of Executive Orders.
– Physics. D. Unable to grasp simple concepts like all actions having equal and opposite reactions.
– Fashion: D. Still wearing bad shiny suits and ties that look like monochromatic drool bibs.
– Language Arts. D-. Vocabulary limited to adjectives.
– Art Appreciation. F. Just not his thing.
– World History. C-. Seems determined to prove the old adage that those who ignore history are doomed to retweet it.
– Home Room Conduct. C-. Tends to be disruptive. Acts like it’s all about him.
– General Comments. Continues to ignore help when offered. Problems accepting responsibility. Does not play well with others.
– Overall Grade. C-. Tremendous room for improvement.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former short haul truck diver of plaster molds.