President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two marriages, armed forces physicals, White House Communications Department staffing, convincing foreign countries to build boundary structures.
But the one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real genius for pretending to be real.
His greatest public triumph was the 14 seasons he hosted NBC’s “The Apprentice” in a position he thought he was really good at. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say “You’re Fired!” with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected. Not even the Terminator.
Which could explain why his presidency is being run as The Oval Office Apprentice. To him, this whole thing is little more than a reality game show played on a slightly larger scale.
Last week, we thrilled as Donald Trump considered the pardon of Martha Stewart. Then we were wowed when Kim Kardashian joined him to break the record for largest White House assemblage of ass since Jimmy Carter hosted the champions of the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Tournament.
In an earlier episode, he canceled the North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un. But wait, now its back on. Or is it? “We’ll see what happens.” And where might the summit be held? At the magnificent neoclassical landmark Marriott Fullerton in the exotic Southeast Asian city/state of Singapore. Because what happens in Singapore, stays in Singapore. Especially with a Trump International Hotel: Coming Soon!
Later this week, don’t miss the identity of the next person to be voted off the island. And who will replace them? Could it be one of us? “Come on down!” You’re the next contestant on this week’s thrilling episode of “Fooling Some of the People All the Time.”
And in case you even thought of not tuning in, here is a preview of the rest of the season leading up to November Midterm Madness. The “Super Sucking Up Contest” featuring conservatives in close races competing to see who can create the loudest suction noise in an effort to entice the former real estate developer to campaign for them. Or not.
Sparks fly when brawls break out between cabinet secretaries sabotaging each other through injudicious leaking. And your head will completely pop off as you try to guess which of the president’s lawyers will accidentally admit the president is indeed guilty of Russian collusion, but who cares?
In a shocking twist, you’ll never guess which disgraced and ousted staff member makes an inspirational and tearful return. Meanwhile, in the wings, Miss Congeniality, Vice President Mike Pence, stands waiting with the medical team, holding a rose.
You’ll cry tears of laughter as various celebrities trade theories as to what happened to the First Lady. Was she recovering from plastic surgery or kidnapped to keep from talking to Robert Mueller? Or did the operation to remove the surveillance chip implanted in her by the Clintons and Obamas at Barbara Bush’s funeral go horribly wrong?
One thing you’ve got to admit, it’s never boring! We are living through the Exclamation Mark Presidency!!! And don’t be surprised if the master game player gives us the ultimate cliffhanger: pardoning himself for a crime he didn’t commit.
You won’t want to miss Season 3. But don’t worry, you won’t be able to.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.