I have done the math. I’m neither bragging nor complaining — just stating the facts: including my initial meeting with my wife, I’ve gone on precisely SIX first dates in my entire lifetime.
World-weary serial daters may be aghast at that limited number, but it does have its advantages. If anyone ever invents a time machine, maybe “kill baby Hitler” and “stop Lee Harvey Oswald” will still rank ahead of “carry a can of Mace for that geeky guy whose clothes don’t match” as urgent projects.
I’m taking stock of my past pursuit of maidens fair because Great Britain’s Daily Mail Online website recently carried a story titled “What not to say on a first date: singles reveal the VERY candid revelations that sent potential partners running for the hills.”
Yes, single parenthood, criminal records, messy finances, sports rivalries, political prejudices, medical issues, lingering affection for an ex-lover, egotism, clinginess and other factors can end a romance before it even begins. Young or old, male or female, gay or straight, divorced/widowed or never married, the danger of bad first impressions remains.
Although traditionalists steadfastly assert, “Honesty is the best policy,” and although social-media-savvy singles can find countless romantic pointers, there is still a danger of getting nervous or overconfident and divulging too much information.
My inside sources have supplied a few of the dating bloopers that didn’t make it into the Daily Mail article:
– “Kids eat free? Here, I knew this bib and pacifier would come in handy someday. And fill your diaper with ketchup packets…”
– “I have a very positive outlook on the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When life gives you restraining orders, make lemonade.”
– “My boss is such a clueless old tyrant. Hey, did you know you look an awful lot like the girl in the framed photo on his desk?”
– “You’ve written a book on 14th century Tibetan economics? Fascinating! Aw, do I have to READ this fortune cookie? Can’t I just wait for the viral video to come out?”
– “I firmly believe a woman can do anything a man can do — and hopefully, both of them will be willing to do it for substandard wages.”
– “Pleased to meet you. I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you I think it’s cute the way you misspelled the word ‘creepy’ in your diary.”
– “Where do I see myself in 10 years? *Chuckle* That’s an easy one — because the mother ship is coming to fetch me in NINE years.”
– “I’m glad you brought me to this heavy metal concert, but I can’t hear the music over the ticking of my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK.”
– “I’m not worried about rock climbing on our first date. If I fall down, my mommy will kiss it and make it feel all better.”
– “I need to make a quick stop at the store. The feds are springing for WITNESS protection, not STD protection.”
It seems like only yesterday that I was venturing out there and risking rejection. Soon, my teenage son Gideon will enter the dating world.
My teenage son Gideon, who has always dreamed of building a TIME MACHINE. Perhaps he’ll invent one in time to correct any dating mistakes he makes.
“I was just joking about YOU wearing the bib and pacifier. Here, we’ll put it on baby Churchill. Ask if they have complimentary cigars for the diaper…”
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at firstname.lastname@example.org and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.