Fake Sons | Raging Moderate by Will Durst

And now, a few choice words about Donald Trump… Junior.

Seems as if the eldest son of the Trump Crime Family is not the brilliant hotheaded tactician that Santino was in the Corleone Crime Family, but instead more in the mold of Fredo. The Trump most likely to make people offers they can’t understand.

To say the collusion trail is convoluted is like intimating that Wimbledon has found that ripe strawberries are not an adequate substitute for tennis balls. On the advice of lawyers, Jared Kushner amended his security clearance application three times, setting off bells loud enough to wake Richard Nixon’s dead dog, Checkers.

This led to the revelation that Don Jr. held a meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, described as a “nothing burger meeting” about Russian adoptions and nobody else was there. And isn’t it time we focus on what really matters to the American people? Hey, look over there… a squirrel.

Well, okay, so maybe the lawyer had some vague connections to the Russian government, but doesn’t everybody? And Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner were there, but they had no idea why. A month before the Conventions, the campaign manager and lead advisor attended a meeting for no apparent reason. With a Russian lawyer. About adoption. And linoleum is edible.

It was so boring, the two left early. And okay, it wasn’t about orphans, but had nothing to do with seeking damaging information about Hillary Clinton. Which wouldn’t be illegal, even if it did. Which it didn’t. Okay, it did. So maybe it was a marinated flank steak meeting.

Then, to beat the New York Times to the punch, Junior released some grass-fed, prime-cut, filet mignon emails that portrayed him as eager to receive the promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton. From an American- born Russian record producer. And an oligarch pop star. Don’t ask.

But absolutely nothing happened and we know that because Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner and the Russian lawyer all said nothing happened. And why shouldn’t we believe the people who haven’t told us the truth ever. Not once. Oh yeah: this time, for sure.

And a former Russian Intelligence officer also attended the meeting. But don’t worry, because he’s a former Russian Intelligence officer. And maybe a couple other folks were there. No one knows. Doesn’t matter. Look away.

To recap: Donald Trump Jr. colluded with the Russians to uncover proof that Hillary Clinton was involved in Russian collusion, because colluding with Russians would prove a person unqualified to be President. Then again, collusion is not such a bad thing. Everybody does it. As a matter of fact, you’d be a fool not to collude. And nobody wants a fool as president, do they? Too late.

Capo di capo, Donald Trump Sr. applauded Son Number One’s transparency for releasing the grass-fed, prime-cut, filet mignon emails detailing the campaign’s attempt to enlist foreign help to discredit Hillary. Which is like complimenting the bear that mauled you for maintaining such sharp claws.

Soon the senior Don will tweet warnings to the press to totally ignore Don Jr. because he’s not a real Trump son. And neither are Eric or Jared. The only true Trump son is Ivanka. The rest are just Fake Sons. Just like fake news, only different.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.

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