Dear Noble Rustics,
Last November, you real and true Americans chose a New York City real estate developer as our 45th President because of your disdain for people who have done this sort of thing before. You wanted a fresh approach focused on Main Street, not Wall Street. A doer, not a talker. And we got a blowhard blaggard in lieu of an imperious pol. Close enough for horseshoes, nuclear war and populist politics.
Speaking for all us commie pinko, yellow-rat bastards, let me apologize for all the ugly names you were called by members of the reality-based community. You know: foolish, naive, superstitious, stubborn, deluded. Bigoted, homophobic, misogynistic, obtuse and boorish. Mentally deficient, morally bankrupt and unable to discern fact from fiction. You probably remember.
As it turns out, you farsighted rudimentaries were right, and we fancy pants intellectuals were wrong. In a mere six months the Golden Canopy has proved his worth. America is Great Again. Peace is at hand. Budget balanced. The administration is running like a fine-tuned machine. Yes, it’s being held together by rubber bands, paper clips and gum, perhaps, but at least they’re American-made rubber bands, paper clips and gum. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.
The Tweeter of the Free World has reintroduced Troglodyte to the game. That he is to tact and diplomacy what spun glass models of the Eiffel Tower are to bowling balls is superfluous. Which means, not important.
The Caustic Comet has you stately ruralites convinced that foreigners are different and different is bad. Yesterday was better than today, and the country is now blessedly focused on all our tomorrows occurring in black and white. Preferably white.
Rich people receiving large tax cuts is important because rich people need more money. Poor people don’t need money. They’re poor and lived without it so long, even if some mistakenly did trickle down onto their heads, they wouldn’t know what to do with it. Probably waste it on food.
Another major achievement of the Aerodynamic Coif was pulling out of the Paris Climate Accords. What’s the big deal about global warming anyhow? Who objects to longer summers? Like you care if some South Seas Island does or doesn’t sink, never to be seen again? Those rising oceans could come in handy to douse the raging wildfires soon to engulf us.
Forget the Russians, Iranians and North Koreans, the true enemy of the people are hosting morning cable news shows. We know that now. The Cheeto-in-Chief only uses Twitter to level the playing field by striking back at the mainstream press, which insists on accurately reporting his words and actions. #Totallyunfair.
And who needs health care? Since the major negative effects will descend on you prescient primitives, thanks for taking a bullet for the team. You really are good-ol-boys. Easy to understand your affection for the man you fondly describe as, “He’s no intellectual elite.” Certainly proved you right there.
Yes, experts are overrated. Schooling is for sissies. Louder is better and deafening is best. And confusing deafening, is the most best, ever. If you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying. And this administration is full of folks who are obviously trying very hard. You professed a desire to shake things up. So, one question: you shook up enough yet?
Associate Mouthpiece of the Liberal Media Elite.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former babysitter in New Berlin, Wisconsin.