Let’s send a big fat congratulatory shout out to former U.S. Attorney Doug Jones for capturing the Senate seat in Alabama, the first Democrat to be elected to that Yellowhammer State position since Richard Shelby won a second term in 1992, but then switched allegiances to the Republican Party two years later. Which, to be perfectly honest, is cheating.
Democrats are hailing Jones’ upset victory over twice removed Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore as a rebuke to President Donald Trump’s agenda and anticipate transformative midterm elections next year on the order of replacing all the hounds of hell with baby kittens. Or at least a simple impeachment-indictable majority.
The goal is to take the House and put a stop to the GOP corruption, malfeasance and trampling of the middle class, and replace it with their own corruption, malfeasance and trampling of the middle class. Which is the same, only with healthier snacks.
To nurture this dream they willfully ignore their own suspicions that this is an isolated incident. To call Roy Moore a flawed candidate is like referring to the use of balsa-wood sledge-hammers to smash concrete as dodgy. Going swimming with the sharks in a raw meat wetsuit — not the best of ideas. Baking cookies in a 650-degree oven — a tricky proposition.
We’re talking about a man who was kicked out of the Alabama Supreme Court twice, and the Gadsden Mall Food Court once. While Trump’s ratings are mired in the low 30s and Congress hovers around the 20s, Roy Moore was dipping into the teens.
The 70-year-old Republican West Point graduate wasn’t a slam-dunk even before numerous accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior erupted. With a couple of the victims so young, they still played jacks.
It was, as they say, a binary choice, between an accused pedophile and a Democrat. And the Democrat won by the whopping margin of 1.5 percent. It was so close that if some of Roy Moore’s accusers had been older and voted, they might have turned the tide. Roll Tide.
With this unexpected pickup in the Senate, Democrats are partying like Oprah just handed them a fleet of cars. The party hasn’t been this optimistic since Hillary Clinton was a dead solid lock thirteen months ago.
Curiously, Republicans didn’t cry too many tears and appear semi-relieved they don’t have to defend this electoral albatross in every district next year. Just a series of unconscionable endorsements.
Democratic leaders went so far as to force Minnesota Senator Al Franken to resign so they could assume the moral high ground in the area of sexual harassment. A ground that is not very moral and only considered high by the vertically challenged.
So, the big question is, how will Democrats screw this up? Because they will. These guys could fall off of a raft and miss hitting water. They possess the killer instinct of butterscotch pudding. Have the unique ability to blow a twenty-point lead with less than a minute to go.
The smart move would be to make sure that Steve Bannon stays healthy for 2018. Because if anybody can unearth more Republican U.S. Senate candidates who are also accused child molesters, he’s their guy. They should consider shipping him a large package of supplemental vitamins for Christmas. It’d be downright neighborly.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.