A Classier Class War | Raging Moderate

Just when you thought America had fallen down the rabbit hole entering an undiscovered country with no recognizable features and a strange distorted landscape, whom stops by to say hi? Why, it’s our old good buddy, Class War. Donald Trump adopted him, but the Democrats want him back as part of the family.

Democrats love class wars. They understand them. It’s getting back to basics, like putting on your silk boxers before donning your riding jodhpurs. Sitting down to a table with a properly positioned grapefruit spoon. Finding the leather on the lounger in your Lear Jet perfectly reconditioned.

Ironically, it was the Republicans that provided this golden opportunity for Democrats to grab hold of Class War’s swinging pony tail and drag it back home by unveiling various versions of tax reform that differ on multiple points, but share one important feature: huuuuge opportunities for people who have a whole lot of money to hang onto more.

That’s why Dems now get to cry to the heavens about how the GOP coddles the rich by cutting their taxes. The conservatives’ predictable response is “Well, the wealthy pay a lot, of taxes already, so of course they’ll get some of the breaks.” The Democrats fire back with “But this ain’t no ‘some.’ This is fork-lift pallet out the back bay of Costco tax cuts.” And revenue neutral the same way West Texas is gridlocked.

Like most domestic squabbles, fingers are pointed and dinnerware thrown at ducking and bobbing heads on both sides, but the dirty little secret is the public couldn’t care less. Your average American is all in favor of extending perks to the rich because they know it’s only a matter of time before they’re raking in the gajillion dollars worth of tax breaks after they too become obscenely affluent. Which should be any day now. What time is it now?

So when Republicans announce, “We need to stimulate the rich in order to boost the economy,” the lower and middle classes just nod their heads and repeat, “Yep, yep, yep, and you know who those stimulating tax cuts are going to look good on? Us.”

Rather than get bogged down in sociological semantics, we here at Durstco have unearthed a couple other ways to accomplish the same sort of thing and cost a lot less than $1.5 trillion it is estimated these cuts will add to the deficit. So this is us helping out with a little piece we like to call…


1. Torches, pitchforks, crowbars, funnels and hot lead enemas.

2. Sub-dermal, cayenne pepper, time-release sinus implants.

3. Bracing slaps to the face from stockholders before every corporate board meeting.

4. Instead of Botox injections, force the rich to take their botulism toxin orally.

5. Subliminal messages while they sleep. “I’m ruining the world.” “My children hate me.” “Social ownership of the means of production.”

6. Amphetamine patches. What the hell, amphetamine mesh undershirts.

7. Ankle-tethered, rabies-infested, Norwegian rats.

8. All new BMWs equipped with factory installed Galaxy 7 in glove compartment nestled in a pile of kerosene soaked rags.

9. Replace all those pink, blue and yellow packages of artificial sweeteners with poisonous Pop Rocks.

10. Remote controlled cattle prod suppositories.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.

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