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The Slacker Congress | RAGING MODERATE
More fun than fourteen barrels of flunkies watching our elected officials exit Washington like scared rats streaming out of a sewer to escape Godzilla. And really, who can blame them. Anybody who's ever spent a summer in DC can tell you the climate is real similar to Hell. With humidity. Then again, not sure even Hell has winged insects the size of footstools. It's not called Foggy Bottom because that's the first thing that springs to mind when Diane Feinstein walks away, you know.
Funny thing is, this is the same Congress that lies on the verge of breaking all previous records for complete and utter futility. The Zero Zip Zilch Crew. Who have ridden lethargy into the ground and taken loitering to bold new heights. Or is it depths? Folks who would need hydraulic mechanical assists to raise their attitudes from stuporous to torpid. From the lair of the drugged slugs. Debi Does Drowsy.
In essence, they're taking a vacation from nothing. Which is a lot like waking up to take a nap. Topping breakfast off with a sleeping pill. Floating off to a loafing, lay-about layoff. Playing hide and seek with the mirror. And losing.
The 113th Congress is destined to go down in history as the most Do-Nothingest Congress of all time. Accomplishing less than all the other Do-Nothing Congresses combined. Which is saying something, because there were plenty.
"Proud to Put the Nothing in the Do-Nothing Congress." Enshrined as the undisputed heavyweight champion of Indolence. The Friends of Inertia. Slouching towards SlouchVille. The Slacker Congress.
What we the public fail to understand is that nothing can be downright tiring.
Yes, there's the failure to pass a highway bill or any hint of immigration reform, but let's focus on the positive.
During the past 19 months, the Republican-controlled House has shut down the government and voted to defund or repeal Obamacare about a gazillion times and don't forget the two dozen or so Benghazi hearings. They have definitely earned that approval rating lower than thumbtacks in your underwear while riding a motorcycle. Over railroad tracks.
And now these hordes of professional indolents have slipped the surly bonds of sloth and been released into their home districts to freely roam amongst we innocents as a five-week recess begins.
One question: how do you relax after suffering through the arduous routine of nothing? Slip into a coma? Binge watch The Leftovers? Will sunstroke play an integral part? And not just any vacation: a five- week paid vacation. Who told our esteemed representatives we were Europe?
The odd part is... they have to. It's the law. The Legislative Reorganization Act of 1970 requires Congress to take off the entire month of August. Not sure, but perhaps it was in response to members of Congress wandering aimlessly en masse in our nation's capital during peak tourist season; frightening small children and prompting plaintive cries from local merchants.
All we can do is hope our pooped populist politicos finally get some quality downtime, in order to come back tan and rested and ready for the tough task of remaining inactive and unable to pass any sort of worthwhile legislation when they return after Labor Day. Pretty obvious, that holiday sure weren't named after these guys.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.