Bainbridge Island Review


A Bainbridge Island survival guide for the Zombie Apocalypse | GUEST COLUMN

Bainbridge Island Review Staff Writer
October 31, 2012 · 6:05 PM

Should the zombie apocalypse arrive, Bainbridge must be prepared. In many ways, it already is. / Graphic courtesy of Liz Ellis

Pop culture is commonly on the pulse of society. With a surge in one particular genre over the past decade, it is clear that one concern is presently pulsing through America — zombies.

Should the zombie apocalypse arrive, Bainbridge must be prepared. In many ways, it already is.

There will initially be confusion and panic so let's get one thing straight. Whether zombies arise from paranormal influences, or via a vicious virus, or if zombies are fast or slow, one element remains constant throughout all zombie lore — get to their brain before they get to yours.

Destroying the brain is the only certain way to stop a zombie. Got it? Good.

Many would naturally arm themselves with guns. But bear in mind, however, that gunfire is likely to attract more zombies. Close combat is preferable. Bats or similar weapons will be handy — you might have made fun of him in the past, but that nerd who collects swords from the cutlery shop at the mall, or Bat'leths from Star Trek, is likely your new best friend.

Once the island is under control, the work of rebuilding our community begins.

Since the post-apocalyptic Bainbridge will be in a state of crisis, the emergency expertise of the fire and police departments will place them in charge until a more formal zombie era government can be formed.

Under the joint command of Fire Chief Hank Teran and Police Commander Sue Shultz (should a new police chief not be present) the new government will be placed on a ferry docked in Eagle Harbor. From there organization of fuel, medicine, security and more can be carried out. A ferry is highly defensible and is equipped with radios and other supplies needed to communicate.

Instituting communication with islanders is essential. Cell phone service will not be an option. But since this is Bainbridge, the lack of service will not come as a shock to many islanders.

What Bainbridge does have, however, are plenty of CB radios in trucks and boats throughout the area. The radios will be collected and strategically placed throughout the island to establish a communication network.

Even in the modern age of mindless zombies, some things never change. The competition between Bainbridge and North Kitsap will remain — only now, it is between us and the North Kitsap undead that have taken over the not-far-off mainland.

With the zombie scourge constantly at our door, the island needs a line of defense. An elite team of zombie fighters must be formed. This team will likely be comprised of crossfit members and exercise enthusiasts from clubs such as Island Fitness because a war with the undead requires one to be in top shape.

After hand-to-hand combat training provided by the Bainbridge Family Mixed Martial Arts Academy, and survival training from experts at Winslow's Wildernest Outdoor Store, they should be ready.

This elite team, called the Bainbridge Island Defense Agency, or BIDA, will be dispatched when zombies float to our shores, or when there is a need to loot — oops — scavenge supplies from North Kitsap.

Depending upon the frequency of attacks from the North Kitsap zombies, the Agate Pass Bridge will be a key factor.

If the bridge is defendable, it could make a rather useful gateway to the mainland. If not, the bridge will have to go. Boats will become the main method for off-island travel.

The aspect of off-island movement will be key as trade or scavenge parties will be sent across Agate Pass to obtain stores of fireworks. The gunpowder will be highly useful.

That brings us to resources. The island has many, but without strategic utilization they can go to waste.

Water is essential to survive. Luckily, the island has the benefit of a variety of natural wells scattered across its landscape. These wells will become the main source of fresh water along with rain harvesting.

The island is also lucky that farming is already firmly established. The many Bainbridge farms will be among the most important resources to provide food. The fish farm at Fort Ward will also come in handy.

City hall and Sakai Intermediate School both have immense solar panel systems on their roofs. These systems can be reconfigured to charge batteries — to run the island's radio communication network, for example.

Perhaps the most significant resource is islanders.

It is safe to say that the population of Bainbridge Island has come to be known by two occupational stereotypes — lawyers and doctors.

After our society falls apart, one of these occupations will be entirely useless — they will likely be relegated to manual labor of some fashion.

The other occupation, lawyers, will be highly useful, however. Having many years of experience with the mumbling and incoherent brain-dead, and those seeking a pound of flesh from hither and yon (or Heather and John), our attorneys' skills are a prized resource.

The island boasts a wide range of skill sets from farmers to mechanics and engineers. A call to any islander with useful knowledge and skills will be made, particularly for those adept in green knowledge — after all, this is Bainbridge Island we will want to dispose of zombies in an environmentally safe manner.

Fuel such as gasoline or propane will have to be consolidated and conserved. It won't last forever, therefore, cars must be parked in favor of other modes of transportation. Bainbridge does enthusiastically embrace another form of transportation, however. Squeaky Wheels will become the island's new transportation department. With the help of B.I. Cycle and Classic Cycle Bainbridge will be a biking island.

With cool heads, and smart organization and working together, Bainbridge Island can survive whatever the coming zombie war brings.

Stay calm, be safe and Happy Halloween!

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