'Tis the season to be politically critical | Latte Guy | June 24

“Half the world is screaming for clean water and freedom while the other half is ordering cocktails and complaining about the service.” – Edward Docx, Pravda

Politics and politicians are dominating the news these days, while an anxious public braces itself for the next cringe-worthy public apology from an elected official caught with his real or virtual pants down.

Meanwhile, it appears that debate season is upon us as evidenced by legions of power-suited power suitors studiously avoiding answering questions as their supporters become increasingly giddy from the toxic fumes of their over-heated bloviation.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. At least it wasn’t me who said that if you gave a moray eel a couple hundred million years, he could evolve into a politician. I don’t think that assertion is fair; it wouldn’t take nearly that long.

Before I go any further, I would like to squelch a rumor that has been popping up on the Internet. I know it’s a rumor because I started it myself. Despite what you may have heard or read, I will not be running for President of the United States in 2012.

In fact, I’ve been pretty soured on politics ever since I lost out after being shortlisted for the position of Special Ambassador to the International House of Pancakes during the Carter Administration. I lost out to Billy Carter, the President’s comically hayseed brother. I can’t prove it, but I think nepotism played some role in the selection process.

It’s a shame really, because I was uniquely qualified for the position. At the time, my college roommate and I were eating dinner at IHOP several times a week due to an irresistible “Buy One Get One Free” promotion. Unfortunately, our stomachs gave out before the promotion ended. I just wish I’d been able to hang in there until it was my turn to get the free meal.

Since I won’t be running for President myself, my energies between now and the 2012 election will be focused on sitting on the sidelines and criticizing those who are running.

From an entertainment standpoint, this is shaping up as a banner year despite the unfortunate withdrawal of Donald Trump’s hair from the campaign.

At this point, the Republican field includes a colorful collection of single-issue crusaders, homophobic nutballs and Tea Party hood ornaments along with some real candidates. I myself am pushing hard for a Republican ticket of Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Imagine a cross country, bus-based national presidential campaign called The Bachmann-Palin Overdrive “Takin’ Care of Business” Tour.

I believe BPO will sound a welcome chord with the American people and resonate with all but the most stubborn reality-based voters.

No one has asked me yet, but I have some great campaign ideas for many of the major candidates.

For example, for Tim Pawlenty, I’d recommend he convince soon-to-be-former Obama economic advisor Austan Goolsbee to be his Vice Presidential nominee so they can run on the nostalgically sweet ticket of “Goolsbee and Pawlenty.”

Mitt Romney doesn’t need my help now that he has nailed down the unemployed vote by announcing that he too is unemployed, although technically speaking, it’s probably easier to pay your bills and feed your family when you’re unemployed if you happen to have a couple of hundred million dollars in the bank.

For Ron Paul I’d suggest he drop his “Free Heroin for Everyone” campaign theme and maybe go with something like “I’m Not Nearly as Crazy as I Appear.”

As near as I can tell, Newt Gingrich doesn’t really have a campaign upon which a theme can be attached.

Nevertheless, he might be able to capture some support by reminding people that our country has never before had a President named “Newt,” and this might well be our last best chance to right that historic injustice.

I don’t know enough about Herman Cain to offer him any campaign advice other than to consider changing his name to Newt.

That’s all for now. See you on the Bachmann-Palin Overdrive bandwagon.

Tom Tyner is an attorney for the Trust for Public Land. He is author of “Skeletons From Our Closet,” a collection of writings on the island’s latte scene.

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