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And now, your weekly update from the world of poly ticks. Run for your lives, people, because it's complete chaos out there. In the pre-summer rush to wrangle positive press; current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents and current presidents are viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge.
As it appears we're smack dab in the middle of the 2016 presidential campaign announcement season, this might be the perfect time to ask the question on every American's lips: What kind of twisted psychopath chooses to do this?
For many, it was an apocryphal moment. One which will be remembered for a lifetime. Exactly where we were and what we were doing when Bruce Jenner shocked the world by going on television to announce that he is ... a Republican. And oh yeah, the transgender thing was sort of a big deal too.
While the nation sleeps, a virulent epidemic snakes across our width and breadth like a twisting toxic tornado. Everyday, the tragic sufferers of this dreaded disease stagger dazedly down streets walking into poles and Armenians and through glass doors, oblivious to all around them. Often wandering into the path of oncoming traffic. Many times, they are the traffic that is oncoming.
"And They're Almost Off." Yes, the entrance to the 2016 Presidential Derby has officially been flung open wider than the gap between George Bernard Shaw and Pee Wee Herman. Backstage at the Bolshoi Ballet and the snack bar adjacent to the Professional Bowlers Association Hall of Fame gift shop. Horseshoes and mirrors.
Modern life can get awfully complicated. In our continuing quest to navigate these state-of-the-art raging rapids while keeping body and mind upright, we should be forgiven the occasional tendency to overthink things (like the previous sentence). What America really needs right now are some simple common-sense solutions. And we here at Durstco are honored to offer up a couple of modest proposals.
Q. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. What's the big deal?
Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink-stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring. This spring is extra exciting, because it comes with our big quadrennial first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car.
You might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the next election to command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit.
The country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Hillary Clinton's masterful press conference last week, held in response to the controversy surrounding her email troubles. "It's all fine. Don't worry about it. We got it covered. Easy peasy lemon squeezy."
I'd advise you to sit down, pour yourself a beer and take a deep breath. You're about to hear something that will change your life. Forever. Are you relaxed?
"And that's it for sports."
Usually over the period of 12 months, you get an equal balance of good days and bad. On the playground of the cosmos, the scales tend to balance out. But holey moley catfish, seems like last year the good days spent the bulk of recess time hiding behind the equipment shed next to the monkey bars, and the teeter totter hardly moved what with that fat punk-bad days, grounded on his end of the board throwing rocks at squirrels.
Hey guys. Did this whole crazy holy daze madcap bedlam thing sneak up on you this year, making the world speed up like a maglev Bullet Train going downhill lit by a strobe, like it did us? There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Still recovering from the sonic bombshell dropped by Jeb Bush announcing he was officially upgrading his prospective candidate status from... considering the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate the feasibility of a possible run for the presidency to... actually authorizing the formation of an exploratory committee that will investigate the feasibility of a possible run for the presidency? Our little caterpillar is now one step closer to being a big bad beautiful butterfly.
If you believe the recently released Senate Intelligence Committee torture report, you might be tempted to conclude that the CIA lied to the press and the public and to Congress about the extent and effectiveness of its torture campaign. And that conclusion would be correct, sir.
Hey guys, Will Durst here with your eagerly awaited Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2014.
The autumn dark is lengthening, which means the English-speaking, Judeo-Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito.
To call the grotesque drubbing suffered by the Democratic Party in the midterms monumental, is like referring to the surface of the sun as warm. The scene was so grisly, acutely sensitive Democrats (most of them) were forced to avert their eyes or risk anaphylactic shock.
Gather round kiddies, because it's time for Uncle Will to regale you with the funny side of Ebola. Oh, yeah, there is one. Just need a trained professional to find it.